key-hunting

clansmanchrisTue 15/01/08 01:51

Looking back always seems easier to do than looking forwards
I don't know why
Perhaps it is the benefit of hindsight
Clouding one's judgement
And obscuring one's fear of journeying into the unknown.

Still, facing the past is easier than preparing for the future
I don't know why
Perhaps it is the desire for time to stand still
And allow one
To feel confident in established routines
Rather than out of one's depth in unfamiliar circumstances.

Yearning for the past I have little desire
To finally close the chapter
In the book of a life, my life,
Which no longer feels fulfilled
Without those who have either deserted or predeceased me
Wishing instead to turn back the clock to earlier happier times.

Looking back one increasingly finds oneself searching
For the inner security one enjoyed as a child
The inner-peace one experienced from not knowing
All life's woes which trouble one as one gets older,
And the childhood happiness
Of experiencing that which seemed to be the 'everlasting' love of the boy of one's dreams.

Looking to the future my life now seems empty
Having once found 'Mr Right' and foolishly let him go;
Having bought myself, and kitted out, a flat
Which increasingly resembles a house but not a home
I feel empty and alone
No longer having that 'significant other' in my life to inspire/motivate me.

At times it seems there is no light at the end of the tunnel,
Nor no end to the pit into which I have sunk
Desperately seeking, without success, to turn back the clock
Or, at least, stand still to avoid facing the future
Alone without the man of my dreams by my side
To comfort and sustain me against the storms of life.

And yet, at other times, life seems bearable
If not exactly enjoyable without a soul-mate
As, all too briefly, one's anxiety and loneliness subsides
And one feels once again content if not necessarily happy
At peace if not necessarily overjoyed
In an all-too-brief interval of warmth and light.

Where I am going I know not
Nor can I answer why I am here
Or where I see myself in ten months', let alone ten years', time.
For now I feel stuck
As a piece of litter, cast aside
To be tossed about by the wind and rained upon in the cold dark storms of life.

Somewhere out there I know a key is waiting
To be found, for me to find it, and unlock the door to a life if not worth living
At least one more fulfilled than my seemingly endless existence
Without job-satisfaction from work or the companionship of a partner
All I need is the self-confidence and self-respect
To continue hunting until I find it and, on finding/rediscovering it, to hold onto it.

hobbitTue 15/01/08 09:16

Christopher ..... thank you so much or sharing that with us.
It really struck a chord with me, and you've expressed it beautifully.

Brian x