Is there a purpose to life?

furryfeaturesSun 26/12/10 18:55

I believe that there is no point to life, yet I find this belief depressing.

I have an immense feeling of being an utter failure in life, yet if there's no point to life, how can this be so?

The only things I'm certain about are a list of things that I'd change if I could relive my life.

If there is no point to life, why should I adhere to a set of mores? Yet I do.

I don't believe in an afterlife, though I don't believe that there isn't one either. I am an agnostic on this issue. I am much more certain in my belief that there isn't an entity or entities that is a god or gods. On that issue, I am most definitely an atheist.

Thus, I believe that I exist with no purpose, with no function and no reason to be. Yet, I adhere to the rules of society and I behave within established norms. I believe that when I die, I die most probably, though I have a small degree of lingering doubt.

My life is one big contradiction. As a result, I rarely feel properly happy.

I feel that I'm a failure because I have no proper friendships. I'm not even sure that I know what a proper friendship is. I feel that I'm a failure because I don't think that I'm capable of non-familial love. I think that if I make any attempt to engage in a relationship, it won't work because I lack the ability to love. Yet, I feel a strong need for a sexual encounter.

I feel that I'm a failure because I've never achieved anything in the field of work. My last job ended with psychologists telling me that I was never likely to work again because I have some type of mental deficiency, related to having Asperger's Syndrome, that causes me to suffer bouts of debilitating depression when I try to do a job for any length of time. Though I believe what I was told (and my understanding of it might not be quite right) I don't want to give up trying to work.

I feel alone, vulnerable and lacking in any ability to cope. My situation is made worse by one friendship that I do have with a truly loony woman. She's very kind and I do like her up to a point but I think that she wants me as a lover and, apart from being gay, I wouldn't fancy her, even if I was straight. After going with her to have Christmas dinner at her (even loonier) friend's flat, I tried to make clear, as diplomatically as possible, that I really needed some time to myself and I hoped to see her after I've visited my mother. I return on 8th January. But this morning she left a message on my answer phone to ask me if I'd like lunch at the pub. I simply couldn't bring myself to phone her back because the message obviously hasn't got through. I like her but I don't wish to see her every day. Once or twice a week is plenty enough for me and I'm not going to love her, however much she thinks that I do. Not answering her wasn't too evil because she knows that I sometimes don't check the answer phone for several days.

I would really like some friends, male, female, gay or straight, who are on an intellectual level with me. I'd like to know some friendly gay people locally, regardless of their intelligence or educational achievements, and some intelligent and well-educated people locally, regardless of their sexuality. I'd like to know people who like to discuss politics. One thought I've had is to get involved with local referendum campaigning but the problem is that I'm not sure yet which way I wish to vote. I'm leaning towards "Yes" but I'm as yet not fully committed.

I don't know how to make my life happier. Currently, I am very unhappy but not really depressed in the sense of clinical depression. What I mean by that statement is that if I had a reason to be happy, I'd be immediately happy. For instance, if someone gave me a free ticket to a good New Year's fireworks display, complete with free food and drink, I would have no difficulty enjoying it. But a part of my problem is that even if such an event exists, I haven't got the money to go. I have £10 until Wednesday, when I get a further £40, which has to pay for my bus ticket and suburban rail journey to visit my mother, as well as my food needs. (I already have my rail ticket to St Pancras and return. It's very cheap bought in advance but the rest of the journey's tickets are best bought on the day of travel.)

To conclude, I don't know if life has a purpose. This makes me feel unfulfilled. I feel like a 100 room hotel with about 98 of those rooms vacant. I am lonely.