tommy coopers top ten jokes

alexjames33Tue 26/02/08 11:17

"So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he said "I recognise the ivory".

D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today
they left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine.
So that was nice.

Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.
That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
Is it common?
It's not unusual.

had a dream last night, I was eating a 10lb marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?
He said 'It depends where you're calling from

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas! It's not her main present, just a stocking filler.

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt

I hurt my back the other day. I was playing piggy back with my six year old nephew, and I fell off

I bumped into an old acquaintance the other day, he told me he had taken a job as a postman.
He said it was better than walking the streets

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace

http://news.sky.com/skynews/picture_gallery/0,,30100-1306476,00.html

chrisalawWed 09/04/08 11:55

Iwas going to start a new topic but will just continue this one if the Op does not mind!

Tommy Cooper Jokes

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the
Reception was Brilliant.



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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry
growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some
cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the
green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones
syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet..

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet,
"let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going
to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?
"

"No, because he's really
heavy"



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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's,
T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than
that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff......
boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist..

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."

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So I got home, and the phone was
ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You
are."

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So I rang up my local swimming baths.

I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'



He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

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So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world
are Chinese. And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin..

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving
along, and my boss rang up, and he

said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and
said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said
'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and
down, don't they?

The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.

And the dentist said to me

'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give

me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the
world's your oyster, go for it."

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size=1 color=black face=Verdana>



Two cannibals eating a clown. One says
to the other

"Does this taste funny to
you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one
was drinking battery acid, and

the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one
off.

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You know, somebody actually
complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,

The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"

The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,

he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to
those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other
day.

He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I

couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.

It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one

of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy
marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day
and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are
too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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A man came round in hospital after a
serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor,
I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last
week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly.



They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all

that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

The other one says "So are you,
you fat slob!"