wezza2Tue 13/11/07 10:35 |
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* Infantry: Tracks snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
* Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.
* Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
* Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective - to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
* Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake.
* Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets.
Chain of command pay no attention.
Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
* Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
* Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller "Python Two Zero".
* Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
* Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
* Territorial Army: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
* RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet. Can't find snake. Drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
* Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.
* Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year study by Anderson Consultants at cost of more than £1.5M, generating massive workload at grade 1 staff level.
Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing.
Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Gurkhas told that they don't know what they're talking about.
High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions.
Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy (Snake and Kidney pie judged to be a failure; messes use more Shepherd's Pie instead).
Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.
* Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake.
Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract.
6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for $10 billion.
* Adjutant General: Determines that snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
* MoD Guard Service (MGS): Fails to spot snake entering secure facility, as they're on a tea break.
* MoD Police: Accidentaly shoots snake fatally as it crosses the firing range. An investigation reveals that while none of the rounds hit the paper targets, the misses all hit the snake. No further action taken, as the snake was an intruder on a 'lethal force authorised' establishment. Case therefore swept under the rug. New Figure 'S' targets are quietly ordered from target suppliers, and the "MoD Plods" involved are all given more intensive training in marksmanship.
* Royal Military Police: After sending in the dogs, arrests snake for going equipped for stealing (Possession of teeth, ultra-sharp, venom-directing, Snakes for the use of).
Recommends to Army Veterinary Corps that snake be Charged with 'Being in possession of proscribed non-issue equipment' (the afore-mentioned teeth), and 'Going equipped for stealing'.
During interview, snake confesses that it was, indeed, intending to steal the 8th Army's Gerboa Mascot (for lunch).
At court martial, the case is dismissed, as
1. Snake apparently fell up and down (several times, according to the Veterinarian's report) four flights of stairs prior to interview, and
2. Snake is a damned civilian!
Snake issues writ against MoD for wrongful arrest, and settles out of court for a six-figure sum. Retires with ill-gotton gains to hot, dry, climate. RMP NCOs involved promoted for their initiative in arresting the snake, then busted for (getting caught) abusing the suspect: Status Quo therefore maintained within the Corps, and PR exercise judged successful, as the Press only comments on the demotions... Unit OC promoted to DAPM (Deputy Assistant Provost Marshal) for making the whole PR exercise work. |
