End of a Friendship - what should I do?

daswiltsThu 20/03/08 10:33

I've known my best straight mate for 10 years this november. We used to spend 2 or 3 nights a week together and go on holiday every year. I help him move house buy a car help with DIY on his house. He did help me out as well but not as often but I didnt have a problem with that.

Although I wasn't out to him he did have an idea that I was gay but he only mentioned it once when he was drunk early on in our friendshipt saying he couldnt be friends if I was. He appologised for being drunk later but didnt say anything about the remark.

At the time I thought that our friendshipt was over he still wanted to meet up so we carried on. Then he met and married a friend of mine so I did see less of him but he still made an effort to stay in contact.

Last year I planned got get married in November so friends suggested that I invite him and his wife to the wedding. So I told them, they said they were shocked but knew about me seeing someone. They came to the wedding but since then have only see him once at xmas and he seemed ok to chat to.

His wife meets up with me but he always has an excuse not to come. She says he just being blokey about the gay thing, whatever that means, but insists that he ok about it all.

However, I worked out that the last time he called me was over a year ago. Last week I arrange to meet up with them via his wife as she said they were free last friday. Then she told me they couldnt make it as he was busy so they cancelled.

My partner things I should stop making any effort with him as its seems obvious that hes got problems. On the other hand he never makes much effort to see other friends but Im sure he still sees them at least once a month.

So what should I do, give up on the friendship or carry making an effort.

jekyll101Thu 20/03/08 10:37

If you haven't even had contact with him for a year, is there a friendship to give up on?

ferraraThu 20/03/08 10:39

I think I would probably just cut down the contact to, say, Christmas and birthdays, and if and when he feels comfortable getting in touch with you I dare say he will.

No reason to stop meeting up with his wife more often, though, if you and she get on.

rothcoupleThu 20/03/08 10:42

Friendships change over the course of time. I had a close friend and about a year ago she got married. I respect that she has now "moved on" a bit and thats ok, I suppose that I have too. It changes over the course of time.

How many good friends have we lost along the way and over the course of time?? It just changes and good friends do drift apart at times. Its life.

#67513Thu 20/03/08 10:43

Why talk openly and up front about the situation with him? If he really does have a problem, well then surely it would be nice to at least know about it so you can work it out or realise there's no point.

He sounds like a typical emotionally insecure and immature straight male, but sometimes bringing issues into the open can help.

At least you'll have resolution one way or another.

sunbeamThu 20/03/08 10:44

Friendships do drift apart, not only for the gay/straight reason. Several of my friends and I don't meet any more, our lives have separated but it isn't necessary to 'end' the friendship - we just don't have the reason to be as close as we were. I think your friend may have issues with your being gay, and doesn't want to meet you at the moment, but he isn't actively being against you so just let it be. The friendship can remain, no matter how far in the background.

coopersThu 20/03/08 10:44

Depends on what he means to you as a friend. For me I would want to hear him say if it's the gay thing, and, if it was, accept it and let it go. Others might want to stick at it in the hope he changes. Hope you can find a way through, it's always sad to lose a friend but only if they really 'are' frieinds.

dehk53Thu 20/03/08 10:53

I am sorry to say this but if he has turned against you after ten years, then he was never really a friend, and is probably incurably homophobic. He may even have unresolved issues about his own sexuality. You say that he married another friend of yours; if she is still friendly with you, continue with that friendship, but I would let her contact you more than you contact her, as her first loyalty, is now to him and not to you. Remember the good times you had, but do not push it, it is now up to him to realise what a prat he is and come crawling to you to apologise. What you do then is entirely your decision

daswiltsThu 20/03/08 11:19

He has a history of being a bit homophobic. He did dump a uni mate when he came out, although he wasnt a close mate, he did say he always thought he was weired. He also thumped a camp guy at a dance at his Uni for flirting and dancing in front of him.

He maybe bi or gay and there are signs there and one of my friends thinks he has an issue with his own feelings but who knows. He was friends with a old gay guy from his singing group so its not all black and white.

I think I will probably leave him or his wife to arrange the next night out and see what happens. If hes really no happy about meeting up then I guess it won't happen and then Ill know for sure.

coopersThu 20/03/08 11:36

A bit homophobic? Sorry, he sounds like a complete wanker.

finalfrontier1976Thu 20/03/08 14:54

Well if it does end you can't say you didn't try so you shouldn't feel bad, his loss if he can't accept it.