The Phantom Laugher,

ginluvvaThu 03/04/08 20:52

I reproduce here in my own entirely copied style a tale of how one mans battle to fight an unseen force led him into near madness and held him up to such ridicule as to make Paul Burrell, poster guy for butlers everywhere, look like an upstanding , alright kind of guy.

It may be true...it may not be true.....but it is a story that will shock and entertain in equal measure..... although the exact quantities are impossible to quantify.....I mean how would one measure shock or entertainment anyway? A clapometer may have worked for the late great hughie green but who knows how many postcards didnt make it to teddington lock and so skewing the results......no doubt catapulting the likes of Little and Large to international stardom in the place of Johnny Starr..the juggling plate spinner from Warrington ( available for weddings, bar mitzvahs and those little village fetes that everyone attends but has no idea why or what they raise money for and anyway does anyone ever really correctly guess the weight of the cake, the true number of pennies in the novelty giant whisky bottle or defeat the devilishly twisty delights of Mrs Headington-Smythes ring-a-ding, buzz-a-bell challenge? ) but i digress..........here for your perusal rejection or ridicule is The apocryphal tale known as.......The Phantom Laugher

Read on...............(well unless you actually know the story in which case dont bother I mean its not as if I'm adding anything new)

A long time ago in olden times, or the seventies as young people like myself might refer to them, Britain still had the remnants of a navy and the Empire was still more than the crappy cinema downtown with the flat coke, stale popcorn and those annoying sticky carpets to which sleeping drunks stuck fast like sh#t to a blanket.
Yes we all had something to be proud of back then....something we could all aspire to and I'm not just talking about that novelty smurf collection at Esso (one free with a gallon of four star...... remember that? ). I'm not even averring (that's a good word isn't it? I'm going to try and use that one more often ) to Disco. I'm not even referring (longer but not as sophisticated IMO) to when a new branch of Rumbelows swept into town making dads everywhere drool over the wood framed two ton black and white telly with three...count em..yes three channels, all push button channel select and a "look at this Eadie......it's got a sliding door to go over the screen when the telly is finished for the day." technical spec that anyone would be willing to make HP payments on.For the first three months anyway untill it got repossessed (oh the shame ) and you had to get the one with the 50p meter on the side (nebbyDebbie you know what I'm talking about )

Anyhow the point is we had interests.....british interests.... which were still something to protect and for that we needed our armed forces.Well maybe not all of them I mean what exactly did the RAF do in the seventies? There were only so many Childrens' Film Foundation productions that could include a fly-by and still afford to employ Keith Chegwin in his role as ten year old private eye/crimebuster/snotty nosed love interest.

One of the methods the Royal Navy decided to employ in its role as defender of british interests abroad during this period was to employ the tactic of power projection and for this it needed an aircraft carrier.Unfortunately britain could not afford an aircraft carrier as it was bankrupted by taking part in world war two..a war which ironically had sunk all of britains aircraft carriers.
Except that is for one.......... HMS Hermes.

HMS Hermes was an "old school" Carrier that had survived world war two not by taking part in daring yet ultimately successful operations against overwhelming odds. Nor had HMS Hermes survived against deadly air attacks by the Luftwaffe by ensuring large numbers of enemy aircraft had been shot down. No ...HMS Hermes had survived the war by being broken down.
But now in her final years could HMS Hermes be of some use to the country that had preserved her so well? The cost to the public purse was astronomical and the workforce was stretched to the limit but after 5 years the civil service brought out a two page pamphlet ( in colour mind you )entitled..."HMS Hermes...A Feasability Study". The study concluded that it would be possible to bring HMS Hermes back into service if drastic cutbacks could be made in other areas.Notably the government publishing budget which had unaccountably rocketed during the preceding five years.

Accordingly the BBC was forced to accept swingeing cuts in its budget notably the childrens drama budget.This period would become known as "The Tom Baker Years" in entertainment circles as the Dr Who production budget became smaller and smaller, eventually disappearing altogether around the Pyramids of Mars when students were paid ten bob and a pickled egg to wander round covered in bandages, moaning a lot.The students union agreed that the moaning would be provided for free since it was so endemic anyway but this did not persuade the director general to provide free lunches for the students as they had requested because the unforeseen cost of jelly babies for Mr Baker had used up what little slack there was in the budget.

Back in real life, the so called Cod wars had all but depleted the useful ships of the fleet in a ramming contest that could be accurately described as two kids having a shoving match over a dead fish and so HMS Hermes was pressed into service in a deal that saw overtime payments in every dockyard in britain double overnight.As a result of this doubling of overtime, No money or workers could be found to carry out any work on HMS Hermes and so she was floated out of dry dock and towed to plymouth where she continued her decline awaiting a decision as to her fate. Eventually, The Admiralty managed to persuade the government that HMS Hermes could provide protection abroad by taking 2000 sailors to exotic locations and launching helicopters to buzz the natives and so after an extended refit period of two weeks..our story began...........

ginluvvaThu 03/04/08 20:53

pt II

One night as HMS Hermes steamed up the English Channel (is it possible to steam up if you're heading south?) The first lieutenant (pronounced leftenant for some stupid reason I mean why not just spell it with an F for god's sake ) was carrying out his evening inspection of the ship.More accurately the "Jimmy" (slang for First lieutenant ..... pronounced Leftenant) was carrying out his evening rounds of the junior ratings parts of the ship ie messdacks (living quarters) heads (toilets) and bathrooms (sorry no silly name for those).
Presumably all the officers were trustworthy enough not to have to put up with some other guy coming round and checking that they had cleaned up after themselves or not set fire to their beds while they were in them as they were not subject to this evening ritual.Being of mainly upper class/public school stock though, it is presumed with some degree of certainty that there were other evening rituals up with which they had to put (apologies to churchill ) which we would be better off having no knowledge of...........
On completion of evening rounds, it was traditional for the Jimmy to make a broadcast to the ship.Some ships would endure endless winding tales...... blink.gif blink.gif .......others would be read a page from the royal navy day by day which for some reason featured mainly the exploits of the German navy.. most notably, which of their submarines had been sunk by enemy action on that same day during world war two.
Tonight, the Jimmy would not be allowed to complete his morale raising broadcast.Tonight, the Jimmy would meet " The Phantom Laugher" smilie-melodramatic.gif Well, the Jimmy was about to hear him anyway
"D'you hear there.....first lieutenant speaking with the daily update" began the Jimmy, settling into his role as morale monitor and pub quiz announcer."Not a bad state of affairs at rounds this evening"

The first lieutenant was cut off in mid flow by a louder more menacing sound.

"D'you hear there? This is the Phantom Laugher HA! HA! HA!" The laugh was a deep, menacing stacatto......almost mocking in its tone.

The Jimmy did not return to his broadcast. Immediately the ship was abuzz. The on watch engineering officer noticing this, took steps to reduce the load on the main generator and the buzz stopped.Then the gossipping began.All over the ship people were asking "who was that?" and "what was that?" and "what happened to U457 this day in 1944?"

There was no further word from the self styled "Phantom Laugher" until call the hands at 0700 Hrs the next morning when after the traditional broadcast of "Call the hands" there was a further broadcast

"Call the Officers tooooooooo! the Phantom Laugher Strikes again! HA! HA! HA!"

The tone this time was less menacing and more mocking.On a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being the least mocking ) the mocking tone would probably have reached an 8 but conversely on a scale of 1 to 10 the menacing tone would probably have scored a less menacing 3.Seemingly, the menacing had decreased whilst the mockery was definitely increasing.In the wardroom (officers messdeck) the chin rubbing was becoming feverish.The Jimmy resolved to catch the Phantom Laugher and announced to everyone present that he intended to catch the Phantom Laugher before he made a mockery of discipline.It was this announcement that sealed the Jimmy's fate.After this announcement any more announcements made by the Jimmy would have nothing more to do with fate sealing.Fate sealing was now off limits to announcements made by the Jimmy.

over the following week the ship was treated to several more broadcasts from the Phantom Laugher and he demonstrated a level of daring not seen since the captain had taken his pink gin BEFORE 20.00hrs causing the chief steward to remark about the dumbing down of the service...........
The Jimmy decided enough was enough and finally took action by requesting that main fuses were removed from all circuits with access to main broadcast microphones in an attempt to starve the Phantom Laugher of an access point.In addition the Jimmy published his daily orders to the ships company with a message to the Phantom Laugher to stop and enjoy an amnesty before it was too late.

"HA! HA! HA! I don't think so! HA! HA! HA! The Phantom Laugher strikes again!" came the reply 5 mins after the daily orders were distributed to the ships company.

It seemed nothing would stop the Phantom Laugher.Eventually the Jimmy was forced to admit defeat with regard to fuse removal and had the fuses replaced since the Phantom Laugher had continued his daily tirades anyway.

"HA! HA! HA! You can't stop me! The Phantom Laugher strikes again! HA! HA! HA!" came the broadcast after the fuses were replaced and ships company notified.

ginluvvaThu 03/04/08 20:54

pt III

In the wardroom, the Jimmy decided to stop making announcements. The Phantom Laugher always seemed to outsmart him and as a result the chin rubbing had reached such proportions that the ships doctor was begining to worry about supplies of chin balm.Something had to be done and so the Jimmy anounced a beard growing contest.Then the Jimmy hatched a plan so fiendish, so cunning he wondered why he hadn't thought of it before until he realised that in the field of fiendish cunning he was neither one nor the other.

The Jimmy decided to post a guard on every access point to the ships main broadcast system and felt that this would mean he either starved the Phantom Laugher of his abililty to make a broadcast or he would catch the culprit in the act. Either way he knew he had won the day and made a broadcast to that effect, ordering the ships bosun to draw up a rota for guard duty and distribute the task amongst the duty watch on deck. In doing this the Jimmy hoped peer pressure would force sailors doing extra guard duties to report the name of the culprit in the event he did not find out himself first.

One week after implementing the extrememely unpopular guard duty, nothing more had been heard from the Phantom Laugher and HMS Hermes was about to make port in Gibraltar where the ships company would be forced to run to the top of the rock as a morale boosting exercise.Feeling flush with success the Jimmy stepped into the main hangar of HMS Hermes and as he did so. he spotted a young aircrew rating hurriedly putting down a main broadcast microphone that had been overlooked in the guard rota.

Seizing upon the rating, the Jimmy rushed forward and grabbed the poor unfortunate rating demanding to know what he was doing with the microphone. The rating admitted he was about to use the broadcast but only because he needed to get the maintenance chief to the hangar ASAP as a major problem had arisen with aircraft maintenance that required immediate attention.Without it, he said, there would be a problem buzzing the locals. The Jimmy did not believe the rating and held him by the scruff of the neck, picking up the broadcast microphone as he did so.

"D'you hear there.First lieutenant speaking.I just thought you might like to know that as a result of vigilance I have caught the Phantom Laugher."

A great cheer went up that was heard all over the ship and the Jimmy replaced the microphone with a smug self satisfied grin on his face that was about to be wiped off........

"HA! HA! HA! That's what you think! HA! HA! HA! Tha Phantom Laugher strikes again!

An even bigger cheeer went up and this time did not diminish.The Jimmy was forced to apologise to the rating he had "caught" and when the ship docked in Gibraltar he left on extended leave ....never to return to HMS Hermes.

3 months later, the leading hand of the juniors mess came round the corner by a bed to find a junior electrical engineer lying on his bed holding a home made box of wiring attached to a microphone.The junior had discovered that the stand by circuit for the main broadast to the ship ran right over the top of his bed from where the Phantom Laugher had lain, making his broadcasts, much to the annoyance of the Jimmy.The box was handed over to the leading hand and the Phantom Laugher retired.

The Phantom Laugher is now a greeter in a branch of Asda..........Probably!!!